Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
