But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
