Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
