Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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