Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
