i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
