On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
