sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
This is the high leading the old right now
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
