the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
How external is "for external use only"?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
