When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
