Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
