he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
