I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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