there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
