Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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