thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
