M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
