I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
