sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
