Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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