Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
