i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
is wine microwaveable?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
