i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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