Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
