If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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