In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
