You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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