Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
