Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
