NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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