i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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