just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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