he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
