Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
