tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
