Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
