i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
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