Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
