Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
