Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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