I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
