The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
