I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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