It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
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