well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
