around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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