Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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