I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
