hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
