I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
