Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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