I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
