i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
