Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
