Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
