you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
