All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
