don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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